The Mary Hart Interview with Jesus Christ

by Daniel Brenton

in Highly Odd News

    From the foothills of the Himalayas, an exclusive interview with questionable questions that seriously test His patience.

The Himalayas. Some really big mountains.

    Through my sources in the entertainment industry, I have happened upon an earth-shaking discovery: the parent company of Entertainment Tonight has in its possession tapes of what must be the most remarkable television event of all time, an interview of Jesus Christ conducted by perennial Entertainment Tonight hostess Mary Hart.

    Early in 2008 stories of a miracle man living in the central region of Nepal, in the foothills of the Himalayas, began to surface in the Indian media and on the internet. Soon after, the Buddhist monastic Shunyata Order identified this man as the Jesus of the Christian Bible, returned to the world to continue His work.

    Entertainment Tonight sent a remote crew to capture video of this miracle man at work, but failed at every attempt, always arriving late — sometimes by moments — to witness these events. Frustrated, efforts turned toward securing an interview. This Jesus agreed, and Mary Hart joined the crew in Kathmandu to conduct the interview.

    Though my primary source did not have the means to secure a copy of the tapes of this interview, he was able to view the tapes repeatedly, and, at great personal risk, wrote a detailed transcription.

    The following is this transcript in its entirety. Reading this had a profound effect on me, and I will never dismiss the power of television again. – DB

Bar

(The opening thirty five seconds show Mary Hart to the left in the shot and Jesus Christ to the right, seated in director’s chairs and framed against a magnificent panorama of the Himalayas in the background. Jesus looks much as we expected — long flowing dark brown hair, full well-trimmed beard, striking blue eyes, and dressed in a flowing white robe. Mary Hart scribbles something on what must be an interview script, as Jesus is being fitted with a lapel mike. He appears to be a touch ill at ease, possibly with the frenetic film crew activity around Him. He squints against a fill light as it is repositioned toward Him, and flinches when the makeup artist surprises Him from behind to touch up a glare spot on His nose.

(Mary sets the script aside on what must be a table just out of frame, and asks Jesus if He’s ready. With what looks like a touch of ennui in His eyes Jesus nods, and the Second Assistant leans in with the clapperboard.)

Second Assistant: (Loudly:) Interview with Jesus, take one! (He claps the board)

Mary Hart: Jesus … may I call you Jesus?

Jesus Christ: (Nods, regarding her distractedly.) Most people do.

MH: You’ve been portrayed by dozens of actors since the birth of motion pictures. Who would you say portrayed you best?

JC: (Stares at Mary quietly with an expression that suggests that the question was unexpected.) Who … portrayed me best …?

MH: You’ve been played by legends in the industry.

JC: (Nodding, some ennui still apparent.) Yes. (Long pause, grins sadly.) You know, no one’s really gotten it right. Charleton Heston would have been fun. Shame he didn’t do it. (Smiles.) Jeffrey Hunter was pretty hysterical, bless him.

MH: (Glances off camera for a split second with what what appears to be puzzlement.) What do you think of today’s entertainment, compared to that of your time?

JC: (Appears to reflect for a moment, and then nods as if to Himself briefly.) It’s very loud.

MH: Loud?

JC: My, yes. The huge speakers, the big screens, the relentless pace of everything … Loud. That describes it. (Squints to His left for a moment.) Too much like the Roman festivals. I was never much for those.

MH: (Pause.) Entertainment forms have long been the blamed as a source of immorality in our society by fundamentalist Christianity. What is your feeling on this?

JC: No comment.

MH: (Purses her lips.) Okay. (Drops out of her “interviewer” persona.) Jesus, off the record, this is an issue that’s been in the background of all the entertainment industries for over a century. Most of America — most of the Christian world — would want to hear the definitive answer.

JC: Mary, it’s a “have you stopped beating your wife” question.

MH: (Seems off-balance for a moment, but recovers quickly, and presses on.) On the record. (Jumps back into her interviewer persona, lights up.) Which President would you say has been the most Christian President?

JC: No comment.

MH: (Short pause.) How about Abraham Lincoln?

JC: (Rolls His eyes.) Mary, you know that was a trick question. What am I supposed to say? Honestly?

MH: (Hesitates for a moment, but quickly regains her stride.) Who would you have supported the in last election as the American President?

JC: This last election?

MH: Yes.

JC: You know I couldn’t vote. I’m not an American.

MH: If you could vote, who would it have been?

JC: No comment.

MH: (A bit flustered:) All right, off the record again. (She drops out of her interviewer persona again, seems to gather her thoughts, and leans in close.) Jesus, you know religion has played an enormous part in the political landscape over the last 30 years, and the public would genuinely want to know where you stand.

JC: It’s really none of their business where I stand. (Pause.) Besides, I try not get get involved with politics.

MH: But you are involved in politics!

JC: No, I’m not. (Tiredly:) Everyone can believe it if they want. I’m not here to tell them all what to think.

MH: (Pauses with a brief introspective frown, and then comes back to the moment.) On the record. (Jumps back into her interviewer persona.) Was Paris Hilton sincere when she said she accepted you as her personal savior?

JC: (Sighs, and gives what seems like a touch of annoyance.) Why didn’t your people send Oprah?

MH: (Frowns for a moment, then gives it her best:) One last question … the question that everyone in the world wants the answer to.

(Jesus has an almost hopeful expression.)

MH: Was Dan Brown’s novel The Da Vinci Code correct? Was Mary Magdalene your wife?

JC: (Sighs, a clearly annoyed look crosses His face.) I’m done.

(Jesus gets up, takes off the lapel mike and drops it in His chair, and walks off toward the mountains. Mary Hart stands, snags her script from out of frame, turns away from the camera, and looks after Jesus.)

MH: Jesus?! Jesus, please don’t leave!

(We can see Jesus shake His head as he walks away, and He holds His hand up as if to say “nope. I’m gone.” Mary stares after Jesus, arms akimbo. Abruptly, she throws her script to the ground.)

MH: Oh, kaka!

• • •

© 2007-2012, by Daniel Brenton. All Rights Reserved.

This article is revised from a previous version (no longer available)
which was published on DanielBrenton.com, June 15, 2007.

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