Back from the dead — the eighth edition of inspirational quotes so fake that only the gullible would believe them. Or half the American voting public. Either.
Honestly now, if you’re a Twitter or Facebook user, don’t you become utterly exhausted of seeing inspirational wisdom zipping by endlessly on your Twitter stream or Facebook newsfeed? Doesn’t it make you want to stop being the glowing, positive soul you really are and and beat the living crap out of someone?
In order to help keep social media users out of jail, as a public service I offer an antidote to this uninvited avalanche of wisdom and excellence: mockery.
In the words of Twin Peaks’ dancing dwarf … let’s rock!
I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 motivational quotes that have been done to death already.
~ Anthony Robbins
Other people do not have to change for you to experience peace of mind. And I won’t change for you, either.
~ Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
The flower of consciousness needs the filth, out of which it grows. (Mine hasn’t despite the filth, but that isn’t the point here.)
~ Gilbert Godfried
For last year’s words belong to last year’s language, next year’s words await next year’s voice, and the words of the present are under the Christmas tree, which we threw out last January.
~ Eckhart Tolle
Art is a lie that may make us realize truth, but who’s going to get it?
~ Pablo Picasso
An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up with a can of pepper spray to douse the jerk if decides it wants to occupy the next year.
~ Mike Bloomberg
Forgive all who have offended you. It’s a skill that will come in handy when you finally offend yourself. I know this from personal experience.
~ Newt Gingrich
There is no end to what you can accomplish if you don’t care that I’ll make it worthless in a few months.
~ Ben Bernanke
You have the power to create your life as I would like it to be.
~ Vladimir Putin
Talent is a flame. Genius is a fire. Sarcasm is a seltzer bottle down the pants that puts out the other two.
~ Queen Elizabeth II
(I think she’s looking at you, Harry.)
What is best in life? To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women!
~ Kathy Griffin
A mouth that has been stretched will never return to its original dimension.
~ Morton Downey, Jr.
He who does not understand your silence will probably not understand your screaming.
~ Marcel Marceau
It is in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped. That will be $50, please.
~ James Arthur Ray
(Yes, Mr. Ray, I’m still kicking you while you’re down.)
He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself … naah, screw that. Who are we kidding?
~ Janet Napolitano
You do not yet possess yourselves, and you know at the same time that you are not far from repossession.
~ Angelo Mozilo
Enjoy when you can, endure when you must; slam down your whisky and light up your butt.
~ Winston Churchill
In matters of law, conscience has no place.
~ Clarence Thomas
If it isn’t good, let it die. If it doesn’t die, maybe there’s a new “Real Housewives” show in it.
~ Andy Cohen
Success is going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm.
~ Lindsay Lohan
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Copyright © 2012, by Daniel Brenton. All Rights Reserved.