No, No, No … They Didn’t Say That – #005

by Daniel Brenton

in No, No, No … They DIDN’T SAY That

The No No No Bird

The fifth edition of … well … fraudulent inspirational quotes with no authenticity whatsoever … though all things considered they might as well be authentic.

Do you suffer from inspirational quote overload? If you’re a Twitter or Facebook user, there’s no where you can hide.

As a public service, then, I offer you the antidote to this stampede of self-help and excellence in thinking: mockery.

Get ready to rumble.

Work banishes those three great evils: boredom, vice, and poverty. Well, okay, boredom and vice. All right, boredom. Fine — forget I even brought it up.
~ Tom Snyder

Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you — except for what the ex-wife is making of you.
~ Mel Gibson

If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
~ Tiger Woods

What do we live for; if it is not to make life more difficult to each other?
~ Gilbert Gottfried

Before you go to sleep ask yourself … did you do every single thing you could today to make sure you did your best?
~ Rod Blagojevich

If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with Tom Cruise.
~ (Source withheld due to pending litigation)

God didn’t make a mistake when He made you. It was intentional.
~ Pat Robertson

Money off of gullible rich New Agers spends as good as anyone else’s.
~ James Arthur Ray

(Yes, Mr. Ray, I’m kicking you while you’re down.)

You make the world a better place by making yourself a better person.
~ Lindsay Lohan

I’ll make the world a better place by punching out Lindsay Lohan.
~ Jerry Lewis

Do you realise that when you take a shilling from a beggar you are taking it … oh, never mind the “we are one” bollocks, we’re just taking it from the beggar.
~ Tony Blair

When the solution is simple, God is answering. Usually, though, the line is busy.
~ Albert Einstein

Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier. If you don’t have any love, try margarine.
~ Leo Buscaglia

Do the thing you think you cannot do. Now, do two of them. No, not two of those, you ninny.
~ John Bradshaw

Progress is impossible without change, and those who will not change will find the endless possibilities in Washington.
~ Newt Gingrich

It doesn’t matter where you are coming from. All that matters is where you are going.
~ Sheriff Joe Arpaio

• • •

© 2010-2012, by Daniel Brenton. All Rights Reserved.

{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

Sam Hobbs

A slightly more serious look for false (or misattributed) quotations is “Nice guys finish seventh: False phrases, spurious sayings, and familiar misquotations” by Ralph Keyes. The book description from Amazon is worth repeating in full:
.
Leo Durocher is best remembered for saying, “Nice guys finish last.” He never said it. What the Brooklyn Dodgers’ manager did say, before a 1946 game with the New York Giants, was: “The nice guys are all over there. This is just one of hundreds of misquotations that Ralph Keyes dissects in this informative and entertaining book. Keyes discovered that “The opera ain’t over ’til the fat lady sings,” comes from an older saying: “Church ain’t out ’til the fat lady sings.” He determined that Winston Churchill did not originate the phrase “iron curtain,” and never said, “blood, sweat and tears.” Keyes also confirmed that “Winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing,” was the slogan of UCLA coach Red Sanders, not Vince Lombardi. According to him such words voice observations we want made. Freud may never have said “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar,” for example, but we certainly wish he had. Keyes calls this “the flypaper effect.” Orphan quotes or comments by unknowns routinely gravitate to noted figures such as Churchill, Lincoln, or Twain. Other syndromes Keyes discusses include bumper stickering (condensing a long comment to make it more quotable), lip syncing (mouthing someone else’s words as if they were your own), and retro-quoting (putting words in the mouths of famous dead people). “Nice Guys Finish Seventh” is a fascinating, eye-opening book. It’s both fun to read and a reliable work of reference.
.
Not always as humorous as these here, but if you are a quotation maven, it is a truly interesting book.

Reply

Daniel Brenton

Sam –

Since the moment we were chatting about this on Facebook, it made perfect sense to me that I should put together a special “Lincoln, Twain, and Einstein” edition of “No, No, No.” I’ll have to find just the right spin on that one.

– Daniel

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