The fifth edition of … well … fraudulent inspirational quotes with no authenticity whatsoever … though all things considered they might as well be authentic.
As a public service, then, I offer you the antidote to this stampede of self-help and excellence in thinking: mockery.
Get ready to rumble.
Work banishes those three great evils: boredom, vice, and poverty. Well, okay, boredom and vice. All right, boredom. Fine — forget I even brought it up.
~ Tom Snyder
Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you — except for what the ex-wife is making of you.
~ Mel Gibson
If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
~ Tiger Woods
What do we live for; if it is not to make life more difficult to each other?
~ Gilbert Gottfried
Before you go to sleep ask yourself … did you do every single thing you could today to make sure you did your best?
~ Rod Blagojevich
If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with Tom Cruise.
~ (Source withheld due to pending litigation)
God didn’t make a mistake when He made you. It was intentional.
~ Pat Robertson
Money off of gullible rich New Agers spends as good as anyone else’s.
~ James Arthur Ray
(Yes, Mr. Ray, I’m kicking you while you’re down.)
You make the world a better place by making yourself a better person.
~ Lindsay Lohan
I’ll make the world a better place by punching out Lindsay Lohan.
~ Jerry Lewis
Do you realise that when you take a shilling from a beggar you are taking it … oh, never mind the “we are one” bollocks, we’re just taking it from the beggar.
~ Tony Blair
When the solution is simple, God is answering. Usually, though, the line is busy.
~ Albert Einstein
Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier. If you don’t have any love, try margarine.
~ Leo Buscaglia
Do the thing you think you cannot do. Now, do two of them. No, not two of those, you ninny.
~ John Bradshaw
Progress is impossible without change, and those who will not change will find the endless possibilities in Washington.
~ Newt Gingrich
It doesn’t matter where you are coming from. All that matters is where you are going.
~ Sheriff Joe Arpaio
• • •
© 2010-2012, by Daniel Brenton. All Rights Reserved.